I am Ready to Receive

 People have always told me how strong I am. They say, “you’ve overcome so much, you’re outspoken, you say what you are thinking, you do what you want.” And while all that is true, for me, those things don’t require much strength. I must overcome because if I don’t, I’m in an insane asylum. I’m outspoken and driven because that’s how God made me.

Sometimes I don’t think strength comes in the form that we generally think of. To be a person of great strength doesn’t necessarily mean you have to physically intimidating or even outspoken or driven.

For instance, it also takes great strength to receive.

This is the area where God has been dealing with me. It’s quite easy for me to give love and give of myself to others, but when it comes to receiving love from God or from people who truly care about me, I don’t want to accept it. I don’t want to believe that it’s real. I’m looking for that catch, for what they want from me in return. And this includes God. How can God love me? Surely it’s not that simple! What do I have to do to earn His love?

So the fact that I can’t receive, often leads to discontent, because then I’m giving, giving, giving, but taking nothing in to refill my spirit. And at the end of the day, I’m exhausted and frustrated and needy. It turns into a terrible cycle of dissatisfaction. I can’t accept what you offer because I don’t believe I deserve it, therefore I am full of discontent because I keep giving of myself without being refilled, and there are needs I have that no one can meet, because I can’t receive, which then leads to discontent, and on and on. Can you see the cycle? Have you experienced anything similar in your life?

I am learning that receiving love or gifts from anyone is both humbling and requires great strength.

As I have prayed over this struggle, God has revealed to me that at the core of this vicious cycle, lies the sin of pride. That has been a revelation to me. I would have thought it would be anything but. I don’t feel prideful when I don’t accept love. I feel very much the opposite. But how unbelievably prideful of me to say to my God who created me, who knows every single hair on my head, “I don’t need you. I don’t accept what you have to offer.” How prideful of me to say to friends, “I don’t need your help. I can do this on my own.” God is breaking me of this pride. In a powerful and awful way.

King David cries out to God in Psalm 51 when he was broken of his great sin of pride. He says:

Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.

Right now and over the next month of respite and relief that I am experiencing, I am focusing on receiving. I want everything God has to offer me. I’m pushing out of that sin of pride and taking Him in. Breathing Him deeply. I am shattered. My pride is shattered. And it’s very scary to trust. But I have nothing else, nor do I want it. So here I am, on my knees, hands open, palms up. Ready to receive.

-Johanna

PS. Thanks so much to Dan Collins for the link. And Anne Jackson is learning to receive as well. I’m also so glad to have read Donald Miller’s latest. “Christ defeat me with your goodness.” Wow. That’s my prayer.

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