A Sweet Little Taste

I had to repost this poem because the last two days have just been so lovely here in DC. It has been a metaphorical winter for me over the past 7 months. The lowest of the low. To be honest I’ve felt a little bi-polar actually. OK….a lot bi-polar. Moving to DC, working at IJM HQ, meeting some of the most incredible people I have ever been around has all left me feeling very high. But couple that with betrayal and divorce and failure and loss of friends, and I’m then devastated. And I fluctuate between those two states all the time.

So thank God for this weekend in DC. A small taste of what is soon to come. Life will spring back. New life. New hope. Just like the buds on the cherry blossum trees, I need to die to find new life again. Winter seems to last forever, but it just takes time to grow.

God is so good to me. At moments when I don’t know if I can keep going, He gives me a weekend like this one. Hiking in beautiful Great Falls. Playing football in the shadow of the great Washington Monument. Being outside and soaking up the sun with precious people. It made me remember this poem I wrote last year. Spring is coming soon. And with it, all things are made new.

It’s easy to forget after facing wearisome Winter,

But Spring, my friend, is just around the corner.

It’s peeking through with every glimpse of the sun’s rays

forcing themselves through the gray bulwark of cold clouds.

It’s kissing my face in the warm Southern breezes

floating atop the blistery wind.

It’s shooting up, UP through the gravely ground

beckoning itself onward with every green sprout.

I saw Spring today.

I promise you that.

I saw it in the Cherry Blossom trees downtown,

pink buds persisting doggedly against the cold rainy day.

It’s easy to forget after facing wearisome Winter,

but Spring, my friend, is just around the corner.

 

You Have Been Warned

For the most part, I’m holding up really well. But yes, I may at any given moment spontaneously burst into tears.

Can you deal with it?

-Johanna

 

In the Spirit of Being Vulnerable…

I never make New Years resolutions. I typically don’t believe in them. The problem, as many people can attest to I am sure, is that for perfectionists like me, making New Years resolutions is setting oneself up for failure. And NO perfectionist wants to fail. You know?

But there are some things that I know I need to work on this year, as evidenced from past looming mistakes. And I will, in the spirit of openness, vulnerability, and accountability, share them with you.

In order of importance:

I will not ever ask another man on a date. If you are interested, you should be man enough to take the first step. If you’re not….too bad. This is a huge one coming from me, because typically if I see something I want, I just go after it. But no longer. You can come after me for a change. And who knows, the change might be kind of nice.

“Mean, lazy, stupid, idiot.” Echoes of words that I shall no longer let define me. I am not those things. No matter how many times they were said. I just need to realize it in my heart and in my soul. It won’t be easy, but God will replace those words with His truth. He has already begun a new work. Oh how He loves me!!! Right?

I will start to do what I know is right for me in my life regardless of how it makes others feel. I will no longer give in to you when I know in my heart it is the wrong thing for me to do. If that hurts your feelings in some way, or you don’t feel validated because I’m doing something for ME, then that’s just too bad. I have made so many mistakes because of my insane need to please and to make others feel good about themselves. Most of the time at my expense. Again, this will be challenging for me. But I’m going back to counseling this month, and I know I’ll get some great ideas to help make me strong.

Finally, and most importantly, I’m not setting any silly goals as far as reading my Bible more, being a better prayer warrior, doing my quiet time every day. They’re important, but honestly I long and yearn to grow more in love with Jesus, and hence grow more in love with those around me. I want to be a servant. I want to see ways where I can love on people. To meet them where they are. And not expect anything in return.

So 2012, BRING IT! I got this. Jesus is for me, so who can be against me? Can I get an AMEN?!

Christ in Me- Johanna

 

Random Conversations

I call my sister when I am always in major emotional turmoil and distress. And she always calms me down. I called her last week over something I had done. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: I am a horrible person. I do really stupid things. I really really hate myself.

Sister: You’re not a horrible person. You’re a real person. Everyone does stupid things from time to time. You’ll learn from it.

Me: When? I don’t seem to stop. God will never forgive me. (Yes, I know I’m dramatic. You don’t have to tell me.)

Sister: You remember that movie, Brother Son Sister Moon about Saint Francis of Assisi?

Me: Of course. I love that movie.

Sister: Remember that scene where one of the monks leaves the monastery at night and has sex with a chick?

Me: Uh-uh. Yeah. I remember it.

Sister: He comes back and is so overcome with guilt that he is literally banging his head against the wall and begging God to forgive him. Over and over and over. He says, “God forgive me, God forgive me, God forgive me.” And Saint Francis walks up to him and all he simply says is, “I believe He heard you the first time.”

-Christ in Me, Johanna

 

I Don’t Have Time for Spiritual Discipline

I had a revelation last night.

I’ve been reading this book by John Ortberg. And it is GOOD. In it he asks what comes to mind when someone asks you how your spiritual life is going. If you’re anything like me, I loathe that question. The answer for me anyways is always, “not good enough.” I lack discipline. I read my Bible sporadically and pray even less. Most days anyway. Then I always feel guilty. I’m not good enough for God. It’s frustrating. Do you know what I’m talking about?

But Ortberg brings it right back to the core of what is important. He proposes that all of that stuff is good. But it’s not central to being a true follower of Christ.

Guess what is?

John 13:34 “A new command I give you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you…”

We should gage our lives not on how many days out of the year we do a 15 minute quiet time each morning. No we should gage our lives on whether we are growing in love for Jesus and love for others daily. That is core of true Christianity. Not rules, not laws. But love. How completely freeing is that?

When we live our lives based on a genuine love for Jesus and for others around us, then the rest will most certainly follow. But what does it matter if you read your Bible every day, go to church every week, pray, tithe, etc if you hate your brother? If you gossip about your sister? If you are jealous, spiteful? None of that outward stuff matters unless love is at your core.

And that’s when it hit me last night as I was praying about this. I never tell Jesus how much I love him. I assume He already knows (ok, well I’m sure he does). But it’s the point that matters. If true love of Christ is MY core, why am I not shouting it all the time? Why is it not constantly on my brain?

I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!! I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!! I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!!!

How often do you say it? I challenge you. Make it a point to randomly tell Jesus you love Him throughout the day. See what kind of a transformation it makes in your life and in your love of those around you. It’s hard to be hateful when you just told Jesus you love him. You know?

Christ in Me- Johanna

 

The Hope of Christ

It is the goodness of God’s work in creating us that makes our fallenness so tragic. This is why my disappointment in myself runs so deep…..

….But God is determined to overcome the defacing of His image in us. His plan is not simply to repair MOST of our brokenness. He wants to make us new creatures. So the story of the human race is not just one of universal disappointment, but one of inextinguishable hope. -John Ortberg

 

 

This is what Christmas is all about. Merry Christmas.

Christ in Me, Johanna

 

The Only Prince I Need

There is something to be said about the fear of the Lord. But what is the line between a Godly fear and complete guilt? I struggle with this problem so much. I say I believe in grace. I say I believe there truly is nothing that can separate me from Christ’s love. And yet I screw up so much that grace is hard to swallow.

If I feared God, why do I then knowingly make decisions against His will? And so then comes the guilt. When I am disobedient to God, I punish myself. I give myself no grace.

I have a confession……. I said that God would use my divorce to bring me closer to him. But yet I feel so very far away. And that’s my fault. There are so many distractions. And I am one who lets myself get distracted easily.

My focus in coming to DC was to be on Psalm 45. A passage I believe God gave me the night before I went to mediation. I know God gave me this scripture to help me believe that He is all important. Christ is my husband. Christ is my everything. But I still want to turn to others for love and for confirmation. When will I learn? How long does it take?

I was recently asked by a friend about the times in my life when I have fallen before God in utter submission to Him. For me, it’s a constant. It’s a must. I truly cannot survive if I am not in submission to Him on a daily basis. But it’s always a struggle. My stupid, unbending, rebellious will constantly fights Him.

God forgive me for the times I am not submissive to you. I cry out to you. And I beg you to make me more like you. I am nothing, literally nothing without your hand upholding me.  Forgive my sinful, disobedient heart. I can do nothing a part from you, so bring me close again. Help me see your grace. Help me to adore you and only you.

My heart bursts in it’s banks,

spilling beauty and goodness.

I pour it out in a poem to the king,

shaping the river into words.

“You’re the handsomest of men;

every word from your lips is sheer grace,

and God has blessed you, blessed you so much.

Strap your sword to your side, warrior!

Accept praise! Accept due honor!

Ride majestically! Ride triumphantly!

Ride on the side of truth

Ride for the righteous meek!

Your instructions are glow in the dark;

you shoot sharp arrows

Into enemy hearts; the king’s

foes lid down in the dust, beaten.

Your throne is God’s throne,

ever and always;

The scepter of your royal rule

measures right living.

You love the right

and hate the wrong.

And that is why God, your very own God,

poured fragrant oil on your head,

Marking you out as king

from among your dear companions…..

Now listen, daughter, don’t miss a word;

forget your country, put your home behind you.

Be HERE– the king is wild for you.

Since he’s your lord, adore him….

Psalm 45

Christ in Me- Johanna

 

Down Time

I love DC. And I know I will love my life here. I am experiencing community in a way that I never truly believed was even possible. Authentic people and authentic Christianity. I know it’s still soon, and no one is perfect. But I truly believe IJM is close to getting it right. I’m so thankful for that.

But one of my biggest struggles since my divorce is all the alone time I have here. I mean, new city, new people, new life. And I haven’t lived by myself well…..ever. And it is really hard. Especially for me. A person who likes to do, likes to go, loves to be around people. When I’m not constantly going, I begin to feel sorry for myself, and the negative thoughts creep in. Lame, I know.

But I believe that God is working a new sort of patience in me. A patience in myself. Being alone has forced me to slow down. I am finally being forced to just be. And to just be content. So, I’m writing a lot. I’m reading a lot. I’ve caught up on some of my movies that I have wanted to watch for a while, but haven’t had the opportunity. I am re-teaching myself how to play the piano. New songs! (I’m actually learning Beautiful Things by Gungor right now.) My apartment is always SUPER clean.

So I guess I’m somewhat be-grudgingly grateful for all the downtime right now. I know God is teaching me something. He always is.

-Johanna

 

Transitions

So wow. What a difference a year makes. I think this time last year I was posting about praying I would be a better wife. I guess I can still pray that prayer. Who knows? Maybe God will be gracious enough to give me another go round at some point…..years from now….

Anywhoo, I’m sorry it’s been so long. But life has been crazy. In the past three months, I’ve moved from Jackson to Nashville, and Nashville to DC. I sometimes wonder if life will ever return to a state of normalcy. Do I really even want it to?

I never would have guessed that at 31 I would be in a period of such transition. But I keep reminding myself that my ways are not God’s. I have no control. Do you ever have that feeling? Like you’re just floating through life on waves of the ocean? They just carry you and you have absolutly no idea where you’ll end up or even how you got there? It’s terrifying. But at the same time, I like it. It’s forcing me out of my comfort zone once again. Forcing me to trust that God will see me through. That He will carry me on His waves to the place where He wants me to be. How good would it feel to rest in that? Imagine floating out at sea, just letting the gentle waves take you. Trusting that where you’ll end up is paradise….no struggling against it. No fighting the current. Just going with it.

That’s what I see for myself this next year. Allowing myself to be carried by Him who knows me and loves me more than I can ever even fathom. I’m killing myself daily. And it’s hard. But oh so good. And oh so needed.

-Johanna

 

Reflection

When did you lose your innocence?

Was it stolen from you as a child? Violently ripped away by events beyond your control?

Was it a choice you made knowingly? Something you regret? Or something you learned from?

Did you lose your innocence gently? Like a soft breeze on a cool November night? Like a dream?

When did you realize the moment you were no longer a child?

Was it worth it?

-Johanna